counting bodies like sheep
by billiespiper
Summary: Imagine us, happy.  beck and jade.


counting bodies like sheep

_by layla _

an: helloo, victorious fandom! how have you been? sigh my babies are broken up sigh sigh sigh, but in my headcannon they are currently not. also, i hope some of you will catch the sneaky doctor who reference that i slipped in ~think _the maste_r~. anyway, enjoy!

**start**

It's night time.

That is the extent of Jade's knowledge on her current surroundings. It's night time, and her knees are pulled up to her chin. It's night time, and Jade doesn't know where she is or how she got there. When she extends her curled fist, a knuckle bumps into a frosted bottle of something. From the way her vision is blurred around the edges, she can safely assume that it's a kind of strong alcohol. She instinctively reaches down to feather her stomach, thumbs pressing into the sides. The air is stuffy, but her skin is cold, and Jade is suddenly acutely aware of the clumped grass and dirt that she's sitting on.

She squints into the night, after her eyes have adjusted. The curve of silver glares into her eyes, and Jade curses to herself, tequila breath rank in her mouth. She runs her tongue along the edge of her teeth, and presses the palm of her hands into the cold ground to push up and stand on quivering legs.

And of course Jade recognizes the stupid RV. How could she not? And of course she would be _here_, of all places, drunk out of her mind and oblivious to her surroundings.

She digs into her pockets, but when she blindly grasps for her keys, she comes up empty. Reaching up to swipe one side of her nail against her lipgloss smeared lips, Jade advances towards her boyfriend's faux home.

Her stumbling is blatant, and she only manages a few steps before she's forced to slip off her heels for better balance. Her feet curl into the dewey grass, muddying up her toes.

When Jade closes her eyes, hard, her day comes back to her in flashes. All she sees is sterile, sterile white. Name badge, machinery, nervous pen tapping and bad news.

She blinks it away, pressing herself to walk further, until the little bristles of Beck's welcome mat dig into her feet. Jade considers taking her conventional route- setting the door off it's hinges with a sold kick of her knee, but for some reason unbeknownst to her, she chooses to knock four times.

He answers quickly, as always. Beck rubs the sleep out of his eyes, mounting his hand on the silver door.

"Hey." His voice is obviously tired, and she feels a little quirk of guilt at waking him up.

Seeing him there, with his hair mussed and eyes bleary, Jade's reminded of how much she really _fucking_ loves him. She may not say it often, or express it in the best way, but she knows that he just makes her ...happy. Which isn't an easy task, by the way.

Jade ducks into the curve of his armpit, settling her chin on the soft flannel he seems to adorn constantly.

Her hair curtains her face, hiding the flush of her cheeks and her bloodshot eyes. Beck holds her waist close with one hand, shutting his door with the other. They stumble into his trailer, and his knees bend against the bed, forcing them both down. Jade draws her legs up and carefully pulls one across his torso so that she's straddling him.

She leans down to press a kiss to his neck, fingers threading through his shirt and sliding the buttons out of their loophole.

When Jade reaches down, however, to unbutton his jeans, Beck stops her inquiring hands.

This doesn't prevent her from anything- she simply presses a long, lingering kiss to his lips, and starts to let her hands wander again.

"Babe. _Protection_."

Jade pulls back for a moment, agile fingers still lingering at his collar. Her eyes are hooded, dark and still a little bleary from the alcohol.

When she shakes her head, _no_, her hair comes unhooked from behind her ear, dusting her shoulders and dancing right above Beck's chest. He reaches up to play with the teal green curl, studying her intently.

"Don't be stupid. We can't have unprotected sex."

She laughs, silently. The irony kills her.

"Never stopped us before. We'll be fine."

He opens his mouth to argue, and Jade swoops in, taking his swollen bottom lip between hers.

His logic is lost in the surprisingly sweet taste of vanilla and cherry (but somewhere there is the pungent twist of vodka).

Beck doesn't say anything more as her quivering hands pull down his jeans, and not even (especially not even when) hot tears pool beneath her eyes.

.

The next morning, he wakes up to Jade's bare backside curving against the pale pink morning dawn. Her head is bowed, hand clasped in her lap.

Crawling on his knees, Beck reaches his stilled girlfriend.

His mouth is dry, chapped from the sheer force of her kisses.

"What are you doing?" Beck manages to croak. Jade doesn't flinch at his sudden voice, choosing instead to close her eyes tighter.

"I'm praying."

She speaks so softly, that at first Beck doesn't think she's said anything.

And he knows this is one of those _things_ that he's not supposed to ask about. Jade is an enigma, blanketed in silence and ice. She always will be, and Beck's learned to accept that there are some things she'll never tell him.

"You should take a pregnancy test. That was... _really_ stupid last night."

Jade scoffs, ever bitter.

"Whatever. It doesn't matter. We'll be fine."

Beck feels this kind of hot anger rear inside him, tight in his limbs.

"Yes, it _does_ Jade! What is the _matter_ with you? Do you just expect everything to work out for you all the time? You're not a little kid anymore!" Beck's breathing turns ragged, letting the rage seep over his body for a long moment.

"Fine," Jade's voice is strained, fraying at the edges. "Get a fucking pregnancy test. Doesn't matter anyway, I know what it's going to say."

Still in his unbuttoned flannel and sweatpants, Beck slips a finger through his key ring and pulls on a pair of sneakers.

He leaves Jade in an overwhelming silence.

.

In the cramped RV bathroom, Jade picks at the nail polish on her toes, sneaking an occasional glance at the clock and the three tests.

When it hits four minutes, Jade snatches the tests off the sink without even glancing at the results.

She throws them at Beck, opting to leave his "home" instead of talking.

.

_"Jade West? Sorry that took so long. What's going on?"_

_"I missed my last period."_

_"...Right. I'll run some tests and be right back to you." _

.

Beck finds Jade on a vinyl chair at the diner, untouched vanilla milkshake pushed to the edge of the counter.

"Wanna talk?" He sidles in next to her, index finger running over her bony knuckles.

Jade shakes her head.

"Too bad. We have to." She bites on her lip, unresponsive. "What happened?"

After a drawn out silence, she begins to speak. "I went to the doctor's office on Friday after school with Cat. I missed my period."

"Why didn't you talk to me?"

"How could I disappoint you like that, Beck?"

"Jade..." His voice is sympathetic, but hidden in it is agreement.

"You've talked about having kids with me ever since I met you, but..." Beck reaches out to grab her hand. "Now you never will."

He swallows the dry lump in his throat- the one that stops his airflow.

"It doesn't matter to me. I love you."

Jade chokes back a disbelieving laugh. She sputters on her words, eyes frantic and fingers unclenching from his.

"_It matters to me!_" Her words are screeched, thrown at him. By now, everyone has stopped to stare at them, dinner halted.

She's crying, hard and fast, but she doesn't seem to care. Everything she tries to say comes out in little shrieks, breathing like the world has suddenly and unfairly pressed in against her. Jade's blood rushes in her ears, swelling to the beat of some wicked drum.

"I know that I'm a _bitch_, I know that people hate me. But all I wanted was something that was _me_.My flesh and blood, a perfect little thing that I couldn't possiblyfuck up. I wanted to feel a tiny little heartbeat next to mine, with ten tiny fingers and ten tiny toes. I _wanted_ a smile that was all pink gums and red lips." Beck's crying now too, finding it hard to look at his girlfriend with all the pain in her face. He thumbs her kohl lined eyelid, and it stains his skin. "I've been through… _so _much shit. Why couldn't I have this? I just want somebody to love me wholeheartedly, with everything they have, because they don't know what else to do."

This is how Jade and Beck find themselves curled on the cold tiled floor of the diner, salt tears seeping into their skin and dampening their clothing. This is how Beck finds himself calming her and keeping his voice level, but never quite telling her that he's the one to love her forever, no matter what. Because he knows that isn't what she needs. She needs warmth and flesh and silence from him. Even if she did want to talk, it wouldn't be to him. How could she talk to him about _this_, how could he possibly understand the instinctual need for a child?

It's true, what she said. Beck has been thinking about kids the day he turned fifteen. He originally thought that speaking about it would make him seem more mature and a more viable option. However, as time went on, the idea stuck with him. Cradling a floppy haired baby with a red plastic pacifier between their lips seemed like such a happy image, such a happy place to be. But it's never going to happen, at least not for Jade and him.

Beck doesn't stroke her hair or something equally as stupid, instead opting to stare straight out. Not down at his crying girlfriend, or at the people that are staring intently at them, or even at the waitress no doubt coming to tell them to leave. Beck stares at the large diner window, smudged with greasy little fingers and flecks of ketchup and mustard. His eyes are blank. His chest is tight.

.

After Beck and Jade have been kicked out, he brings her back to her house. It's so empty there, immersed in dark and big, heavy gates. He doesn't drop her off, because watching Jade walk into that cold house would seem so wrong. Beck holds her hand and half carries her over the threshold. He tucks the covers behind her shoulders and pulls off her shoes, never quite meeting her eyes. When he turns to leave the room, Jade calls after him, quiet voice contrasting her words.

"Are you going to be a douchebag and leave me here? Or are you going to get in?" Beck smiles, in spite of himself, and tries hard not to break his skin with the force he's putting behind his fingernails.

He lies down next to Jade, but doesn't clamber underneath the covers. Beck throws his arm around the back of her neck, but doesn't pull her into his chest.

The silence lulls her into a soft snore, eyelashes fluttering slowly closed.

She wakes up the next morning to an empty bed with no note.

.

It's okay, though. She kind of expected it.

His RV is empty, hangers devoid of clothing.

She expected that, too.

.

On the bus, Beck composes fifty-three text messages to Jade. They all begin with _I'm so sorry _and they all end with _I love you_.

He doesn't send a single one, and kind of hates himself for that.

.

Time goes on, as time does. They grow up, as people do.

Jade meets a boy (man) with dark brown skin and eyes. He braids her hair with big fingers and is kind of in love with her, and she kind of allows it.

Beck meets a girl (woman) with half of her hair shaved, and the other half laced with lava orange dye. She's more rebellious than Jade, and smokes more cigarettes, but she tastes like sugar when they kiss. Beck decides that he likes it a lot more than Jade's bitter grapefruit lip balm.

Jade sends a wedding invitation to Beck's old address, even though she knows he'll never get it. It feels something like closure, even though she knows it isn't even close.

.

They tell themselves that they're happy at night, nestled like spoons into the arms of their loves.

But sometimes, they catch themselves thinking about kids that might have had icy eyes and dark hair.

And that is perfectly okay by them.

.

**end**

.

end note:actually what was that i am confused o k.


End file.
